Molly: Hi, I’m Molly Slozhwowzki, please could you now welcome onto the stage; he’s marvellous, he’s magnificent, he’s YOUR messiah – Marcus Pimbleton.
::Molly gestures next to her with both hands; Marcus rushes on stage and stands directly in front of Molly, obscuring her (flies undone?)::
Marcus: Yes, yes. That’s right. Tonight, I, Marcus Pimbleton and her, will change YOUR lives…
Together: …for the better!
Molly: But Marcus, isn’t being young, free and single just a dream?
Marcus: You’re right to say that Molly…
::Molly gives a fake smile::
Marcus: …but wrong to think it.
::Molly swaps the fake smile for an equally fake expression of puzzled expectancy directed towards Marcus, as if to say, “Really, how so Marcus? Please tell us?â€::
Marcus: I don’t want to give out the impression that being single is a crime; it’s a disease. And just what kind of sick ‘dream’ is played out over seventeen years, nine months and four days on a damp, salty mattress with nothing for sustenance but the drip-feed of sham saccharin rejections? What kind of ‘dream’ takes place, not on a bed of roses… but on a bed of noses? Turned-up noses? That’s not a dream. We’re all in a coma…
::Molly gives a concerned glance towards Marcus, like she’s thinking “Please God, don’t let him crack again like he did in Ropley Community Centre.â€::
Molly: Now, we’re not doctors, but by using a combination of our drama degree and the magic ‘if’ you can simply let us do the thinking for you.
Marcus: You sure can. Molly?
::Molly tries to come across as thinking up an example that’s obviously scripted::
Molly: Um, ok. What ‘if’ I was really ugly and had no self-confidence?
::As she’s saying the above, Molly gestures towards a specific member of the audience as if she’s referring directly to them::
Molly: How would I ever get a date then Marcus?
Marcus: Well, ‘if’ you are that ugly, use the Internet to trick your prey into thinking you don’t have a face like a cracked egg. It’s a foot in the door.
Molly: But what ‘if’ I was I was hideously over weight? Unable to even get through a door, let alone leave the house and meet people?
Marcus: Hmmm, that’s a good one Molly. Well, next time you order a take-away, why not invite the person in, make them a cup of tea, and then rape them.
Molly: Yes, the key to dating is to assert yourself. If you’re too shy to ask their name, go through their wallet. And if there’s any loose change there, take it, you deserve it.
Marcus: You certainly do. Now, if you follow our simple 98-step guide to dating, take our patented dating supplements and follow our 28-hour daily workout, we guarantee you success in love. Boy Molly, I bet you wish all diseases were this easy to cure.
::Marcus lets out a fake laugh and Molly looks genuinely upset::
Marcus: Over the past few weeks, we’ve been on tour around the United Kingdom and already, we’ve cured the city of Leeds and a small village called Ropley near Winchester. So just sit back and let our top tips wash over you.
Molly: Top tip number 1: If you must dribble on a first date, it’s only polite to take a cup to catch the dribble in.
Marcus: Top tip number 2: If you sense your date is feeling frail, or a little emotionally vulnerable, it’s always a good idea to give them a comforting hug. And while you’re there, try and cop a feel as well.
::In an exaggerated fashion, Marcus moves towards Molly with what looks like the starting motions of a hug and then angles his hand towards her breast::
Molly: Top tip number 3: If you see someone you really fancy, try going red and ignoring them.
Marcus: Top tip number 4: If your date happens to have a fantastic pair of breasts, don’t demean him or her by staring at them. Try poking them instead.
::Marcus demonstrates on an uncomfortable and unreceptive Molly and, despite her persistently brushing off his hand, continues throughout tip five::
Molly: Top tip number 5: If you’re nervous before a date, don’t throw yourself off a tall building like my auntie Zena did. The chances are you’ll land on my father’s car as he pulls into the drive causing him to plough into my mother who’d only just come out to greet him. Then, attracted by the noise, Bonny, Tilly and Jessie bounded out and we’re all caught in the explosion.
::Molly is visibly upset but Marcus is oblivious and doesn’t break his stride at all::
Marcus: Top tip number 6: At the end of the evening, grab your date’s head in a vice-like grip and go in for the kill.
::Marcus demonstrates on Molly, forcing her to the ground as she finally snaps – from now on all her lines are delivered through tortured weeping::
Molly: Stop it Marcus, why do you hurt me? I can’t take it anymore. They’re all dead now don’t you understand?
::Marcus stands up as he delivers his ‘motivational’ line::
Marcus: Come on Molly, you’ve got to put it behind you. It’s all in the past.
Molly: Why won’t you let me just go to the fucking funeral Marcus?
::Marcus continues his attempt to ‘reconcile’ Molly and has strengthened his stance – arms outstretched to the audience::
Marcus: Look Molly, this is your life now; the glorious world of show business. We’re going places Molly. Look at them, they’re lapping this up. That guy’s even taking notes.
Molly: I’d never even heard of sodding Ropley before…
::Molly is inconsolable::
::Marcus looks down at Molly and the up at the audience; not sure what to do in the knowledge that his attempt at ‘consolation’ clearly hasn’t worked. He looks down at Molly again – thinking – and then back at the audience in a moment of realisation. He stoops down and applies top tip number two, copping a feel off Molly. He starts to dribble::
::Molly, too emotionally tired to fight Marcus off, accepts her fate and drags a cup towards Marcus to, at the very least, catch his dribble. Couple eventually exit stage somehow::