The Marcus and Molly dating solution (scene 2)
Marcus: Ok ok, how we all doing?
::Marcus walks forcefully on stage dragging Molly by the wrist. She tries to shake free but fails, Marcus then throws her own arm at her::
Marcus: Nice to see… some of you… all still here. Let’s get down to business shall we. Or rather see Molly get down to ‘business’.
::Molly turns her head away from Marcus like a sulking child as if she’s to have no part in it. Marcus wakes her passport/visa in her face and she capitulates. He puts it in his front pocket – sticking out a little::
Marcus: Come on Molly pick a guy, any guy. Not him he’s out of your league, we want to make this believable at least. How about him?
Molly: I don’t like him. Never trust a man with thin eyebrows, that’s what my auntie Zena used to say before she…
Marcus: Molly, what about this guy?
Molly: He… he has the gay’s hands.
Marcus: What about him?
Molly: Umm, no. I… I don’t like the choice of zip of his trousers. Easy access; possible rapist.
Marcus: I’d like to see him try. Ok then, this gentleman here.
Molly: Yes, yes I like him. He has the kind eyes. My auntie Zena had eyes.
Marcus: This reminds me ladies and gentleman, if you are trying to chat someone up, try, if you can, not to talk about subjects no one really cares about, like weather… or decaying relatives. Sorry Molly, carry on.
::Molly looks offended::
Molly: I don’t know what to say.
Marcus: Now, the first approach is often the most important, many clever sciency people have discovered in a lab room that first impressions stick, so it’s of utmost importance you show your best side. Here are some killer lines.
::Marcus gives Molly a seemingly painful dig as her cue::
Molly: Umm… is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven… no Marcus, it’s no good, it’s not working.
Marcus: Then you’re doing it wrong. He’s hardly likely to be frigid is he, look at him, he’d fuck a removed tumour given the chance.
Molly: I like your face can I touch it umm… my name’s Molly well like the sound of that you should hear my phone number it’s hilarious umm… hang on a sec, I can never remember my number wait it’s a killer 07986 oh shit I have the fucking punch line no it’s 0786 543 654 Marcus, it’s NOT WORKING. I don’t see love in his eyes, only fear.
Marcus: Try touching him and flicking your hair at the same time.
Molly: You’re ugly but you intrigue me, no…
Marcus: Take your top off…
Molly: Fuck off Marcus…
::Molly does puppy dog impression and wins the guy over::
Molly: Yeah he loves me! So now it must be your turn?
Marcus: Now, you’ll notice what Molly did wrong there was…
Molly: Yes, yes it is. I had to do it, now you chat him up.
Marcus: But he’s a ‘man’ Molly.
Molly: Yes Marcus, we are all well aware of his cockage.
Marcus: No no, we’ve already done this, we don’t want to bore the audience.
Molly: Oh, nonsense Marcus, we’ve got to reach to every ‘demographic’ remember? Think of the money if we appeal to the gays and the straights. Surely, if the marvellous, magnificent Marcus Pimbleton himself can’t chat up a man, then why should they believe a word you say. Or buy our poxy cassette tapes? Now, make him want you!
::Marcus senses that he has no choice::
Marcus: The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.
Molly: Try pouting your lips whilst saying it…
Marcus: The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.
Molly: Sell it for god’s sake. Use a sexy husky voice.
Marcus: The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.
Molly: Accentuate your waistline by putting your hands on your hips. Remember, there’s ‘no need to panic’ ‘you’re the love mechanic’ aren’t you Marcus?
::Marcus starts ‘ski polling’ looking like he’s trying to fuck the guy whilst wanking two other guys off – all the while still trying to deliver his line::
Marcus: The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.
Molly: Come on Marcus, show us some ‘conviction’. Oh, of course, you don’t like people bringing that up do you?
Marcus: There’s a stepladder in your face, can I fuck your eyes?
::Whilst Marcus is falling apart on stage with this charade, Molly deftly snatches her passport/visa out of Marcus’ pocket and leaves the stage::
::Marcus pauses after he realises she’s gone – still mid-pose::
Marcus: Well, of course, there’s no way you and I could ever. I mean that was just for demonstration purpo… look, here’s my number anyway. (winks at him and runs off stage)
Finish.