Jordan and Sex first Draft.
Smoking
Smoking, Yaaa
Much safer than a pension,
Cos in the future non-smokers are never going to die,
Just get continuously smaller and slower.
They'll be like ugly tarimigoties,
"Feed Me, Give Me Medicine, turn Coronation Street up really fucking loud so I can sleep through it."
Gay
Do we have any closet homosexual in the audience?
No! I won’t do that bit, then.
Iraq
I was against the war in Iraq, it was so slow.
I mean 9/11 was great, loads of explosions, people throwing them out of windows, soot covered firemen, bloody fantastic stuff. All from about 100 different camera angles.
But Iraq was crap, It was so slow and the enemy weren’t very scary, they were just a bunch of underfeed housewives covered in explosives, no one going to believe that.
What they should have done is got the guy with the dodgy eye and hook, and used him; he was evil henchmen gold dust. Sadam Hussein could have done some Evil experiments on him so he grew to a hundred feet tall, and stomped around, destroying things. And Sadam could sit on his shoulder going ‘Crush, destroy, my pretty.’
And what happened to the weapons of mass destructions, they left them out. They should have kept them in; the whole thing does make that much sense without them.
What they should had done is had Blair as a lone wolf Storm into Sadam Secret Head Quarters, after fighting his way through a hundred Sadam Clone robots, then he rushes into the main room with a huge evil looking black and red missile, As the big red LCD timer had almost got to 45 minutes, and beads of sweat run down his forehead he make a rash choice and pulls out the correct wire and the timer stops.
But before he can relax a huge hook smashes through the roof and the ceiling caves in and there is The hook man giant and Sadam, going ‘Damm you blair you have been thorn in my side for too long, Kill him’
Then the camera pans to the side and Bush appears from the sidelines and hurls one of the improvised housewives straight into he month of the hook man giant. And his head explodes, brain goes everywhere as the body slumps to the floor, Sadam would fall and be impaled on the top of his own weapon of mass destruction, pure poetic justice.
Bush and Blair embraces in a passionate kiss as the credit role ‘look into my eyes and you see ….’ That how to do a war. Then we’d all know who to vote for.
Shaving
Pop Idol
Jordan
Jordan and peter Andrew split up. Not terrible surprising. Didn’t take a clairvoyant to predict that. I mean what could that huge breasted media whore possible have in common with Jordan.
I think this is funny, Jordan only real selling point is that she’s attractive, in a FHM kinda way. And she has a blind baby. He being punished for something, he must have been Hitler in a past life. Can’t see her, their no nutrition coming out of those Beach balls and before he’s out of the womb he’s got Gather Gates Cock in his eye.
Least he doesn’t have to read her book,
only remember them as haunting bed time stories and ‘then mummy had her breasts cut open and more silicon put into them, so that FHM would pay her to suck on a cucumber’ This poor crying malnutritioned little blind boy ‘do you what to hear the one where I make Gather Gates Tinky Winky bleed’, ‘Nine, mother, just kill me now, End my retched Existence.’