Fights on buses with chavs
This is a email between S and D, after me and S decided to leave a bus due to the point we were going to get in a fight for displaying the clear sign of homesexuality being not wearing the same clothes as everyone else.
From: S
To: D
Subject: Weekend.
On Friday night my friend and I had to make an interesting decision:
1. Get off the bus.
2. Stay on the bus and risk serious physical injuries courtesy of the six or seven very aggressive pikeys that took exception to our (admittedly offensive) policy of sitting at the front and having a quiet discussion.
I now wonder how other people have managed to put up with, what I now realise is clearly unacceptable bus riding etiquette.
I hope you had a good weekend too.
——
From: D
To: S
Subject: RE: Weekend.
I would like to be the size of Lennox Lewis for just 24 hours. I would spend the whole day, walking the streets and riding on public transport and generally administering some serious justice to scumbags that revel in making the lives of those around them an unmitigated misery.
My giant fists would crush the face bones of anyone I considered to be in any way rude or unpleasant. People who hunt in packs and bully those who are either weaker than them or just out-numbered would receive a heavyweight upercut to the throat, sending them smashing through bus windows into the path of the rush hour traffic.
Then, at the end of the day, when all the worthless scumbags in London are either dead or in hospital, I would go home, and have a good long look at how big my new Lennox Lewis cock is.
—
From: S
To: D
Subject: Re: Weekend.
You could also achieve similar results with a gun. Then, at the end of the day you could break into Lennox Lewis' house and force him to drop his trousers at gun point. When you were eventually arrested however, the list of crimes would look a bit random.
—-
From: D
To: S
Subject: RE: Weekend.
I don't know where he lives. I did once assist in putting up a marquee in Nigel Benn's garden though.
I fear that the use of a gun would attract the attention of the authorities, and I would probably only get through one bus-load of oiks before the police marksmen turned up and shot my neck off. I think my plan to morph into Lennox Lewis is the most practical solution.
I haven't ruled out growing giant bat wings though.
—
From: S
To: D
Subject: Re: Weekend.
Bat wings? Hmm, they'd need to be made from a substance with properties tantamount to that of steel in order to shield you. Or were you talking about Batman and not Batfink?
—
From: D
To: S
Subject: Re: Weekend.
Beep Beep Beep
A fine creation.
I'm not sure what i was thinking. I just thought it would be good on public transport if a bunch of unruly school kids started throwing crisps around or something, I could just stand up, cast a shadow over them, and then flex an intimidating pair of giant bat wings and boom at them in a demonic voice, "Listen, you fucking kids, you're really doing my head in. I'm trying to read my book, and you're throwing food around. Just pack it in will you, for pity's sake". I think it might be quite good if my eyes went red too.