My Nice Set
Hello
A general survival technique .
Don’t get friendly with the dolphins
exspecaily if your a tuna.
I’m dyslexic. At school If couldn’t spell something they’d give me a dictionary. Great, don’t know the alphabet and haven’t a clue how it’s spelt. So basically you want me to read a thousand page book and pick the description that fit best.
Sorry, Usually my set are incredible rude, however the last time I did a gig I found my self in the awkward situation of doing a impression of raping Mt T in, in front of a audience full of pensioners. It kinda scarred me; I’ve completely lost my nerve now, every time I look at you all I see are these small withered, disapproving faces. Going
“ow so I fort in a war for this.”
So now I only do jokes about dlyexia and tuna.
I was going out with this girl once and she said
“I want us to be completely honest with each other so we total trust each other, do you fancy my friend Gemma?”
I had a think about it and replied,
“Darling I think on some level, I’m attracted to all women.”
She didn’t seem to trust me more; actually she acted damm right suspicious, even after I agreed to wear the tracking collar.
Sorry If I can’t shout COCK every 15 second I’ve really got any material.
I can’t help it, it like my sense of humour got stuck at about 5 years old, I’m still at the point of.
“your dads made of poo!”
“Yer Well, your Mums got breasts.”
“Does not.”
Text messages:
Text messages, Yes I got some reasonable clean material on Text messages.
The best text message I ever got was on a train a bunch of mates and I got a text message “Ed, I’m getting laid” then some Dave got one, “Dave, I’m getting laid”. It was such a Magnificent occasion, that he just couldn’t wait to tell everyone. I feel sorry for her; god if it was me I’d had to get her to proof read it.
It’s just so degrading; it’s the kinda thing a woman would never do. They’ll watch telly; they’ll read a book but they’ll never text. Not in my experience anyway. They occasinally knit.
Yes Text messaging is something I’d never really got the hang of.
At university I had just split up with my girlfriend and I was a bit upset.
So I texted Dave for some reassurance. I text him:
“Hay Dave, I’ve just split up with my girlfriend, do you want to come down the pub.”.
However due to predictive text it came out as:
“Gay Date, I’ve just split up with my girlfriend, do you want to come down the pub.”
He wasn’t practically reassuring.